It was a sense of belonging, of group pride, that drove me to the learning of Chinese history.
             Have you ever played those strategy games like "Romance of the 3 kingdoms" or similar ones? For me, it was that which aid in forming my Chinese identity. For when one reads history, or play such games, or imagine a war, one needs to take side. As an avid reader of history, I frequently read about the war between the Han and Huns, between the Song and the Mongols, between the West and China. Inevitably, I took side with the power with whom I identified: China. As I drew maps of conquest and invasion, my imaginations ran wild. I imagined me taking the dragon throne, commanding a million-man army, ordering my trusty soliders to annihlate the enemy. I thought about strategy, technology, and grandeurs of empire. The result of every war was the same: the total subjection of alien races. Domination of the entire known world.
             It seems a dumb way to build national identity, but that's what this channeling of agression did to me. However, that's not all there was about nationalism. I'd learned lessons from those history books about Chinese values, virtues, and wisdom. The cunningness of the Chinese impressed me.
             From grade six my imaginations would run elsewhere. The lack of Chinese material in the school library drove me to the reading of English and a knowledge of the Ancients. Mighty phlanxes and legions entered my mind along with Egyptian and Hittite chariots and the Persian "immortals." But those picture books also provided me with a look at ancient life. The costumes and rituals were amazing. The pyramids and the mummies, the scribes and the cuniforms, Helen of Troy and Paris.
             Creeping in were also ideas influenced by my nascent sexuality. Ritual and sacrifice were reoccuring themes: half-naked minoans jumping bulls, blood baths of the Aztecs who though the world would end unless t
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