I am fully capable of doing my family's laundry that is filling up on the lower level of our home and traveling up the stairwell, but I am really just too tired and stressed out to worry about it. What I need is a wife. Now I don't want to have to go seducing or wooing anyone with chocolates, surprise visits with flowers, and foot massages: no pretending I just want to skip straight to the marriage and get immediately to the business of getting my laundry done.
             Instead of finding a woman who I honor for her intelligence, personality, and beauty I think I'll just send away for one of those brides who comes to your door in the prime of her life with her noise powdered, pearls on, and sexy heels that will look great when she's scrubbing my oven. The second I loosen the bow from around her face she'll be running around the house gathering up those dirty clothes from the kids room and have them laundered and folded within the hour.
             After a hard day at work I'll come home to find her reorganizing the kitchen cabinets and I tell her, " That will be great when you get everything put up and out of the way." Later, when the sparkling kitchen floors are once again revealed, I'll find her knitting me a sweater of soft wool for the coming winter in my favorite shade fuchsia. I told her this morning I wanted ten new pairs of those sexy bikinis from Victoria's Secret for my business trip to Aruba; she bought eleven and now she's stitching my initials in the corner in contrasting colors. My wife will spend her plethora of free time braiding a rug out of strips of our old clothes. I want a wife who I can knock down like that cheap, braided rug beneath my feet.
             I need a wife who can fix my "friends from work" and me the most luscious margaritas to sip on as we chat in the Jacuzzi. I want her to be sure to affix my neck with garlic and a crucifix and hide the dog before my stepp...