The other night I was takin the trash out. I heard ol'
Bessie, my cow carryin on like there was a snake in her
pin. I ran over and I said "Bessie, you best hush up!"
That's when I seen it. It was a round hunk of metal flyin
through the sky. At first I thought it was the top of my
grain bin. That's where I've been keepin my manure that I
use on m'gardern. I thought to myself "Oh Boy!
Someone's done thrown a match in there. That's when
this little green light shot right down from it and burn up
my okra patch. All of a sudden where that little green light
was, these creatures walked out. I ran in and got my
When I came back out, they said sumpthin like "Take
me to your leader." I told `em "I don't know much about
takin' you to my leader but they're fixin to meet their
maker if they didn't get on out of here. Then they made
the ugliest fact at me and started talkin Japanese back and
forth at each other. All of a sudden I heard Bessie again,
but when I looked over, they zapped that poor ol' cow up
to their hunk of metal spacecraft. I told `em they better
put her back or I was gonna call the UFO sightings hotline
on them like I did on all of their friends. I said " I know
about all of your tests you run on them poor animals like
Bessie cause I've been watchin' the X-Files on my big 10
inch black and white TV." Then they started gibbering
back and forth again and I'll be dang if they didn't zap my
old John Deere up on that ship too. That's when I got
really mad. I think they understood English too cause
when I told em what I thought of that spaceship, they
started shootin' that laser gun at me. I said "Yowweee!!!"
Then I took off runnin' up the hill.
I guess they must've realized how big my shotgun
was cause they got back in their ship and took off for the
sky. Everything's been pretty normal since then, except
my wife, Bell, got meaner `cause I make her pull th...