In her novel To the Lighthouse Virginia Woolf explores love as a construct of gender systems. Being good to someone, a simple, basic definition of love, has a destructive effect on both the giver and receiver of the love. These destructive tendencies of love are shaped by gender identities, which Woolf establishes early in the novel; Mr. Ramsay is fixed as hard and logical and Mrs. Ramsay as soft and emotional. In the novel Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay's love is destructive, such that it is wearing each of them individually because of their strict gender identities. Woolf focuses on this damage their love does because of their gender identities, yet also provides a sound basis for promoting love's benefits, for although they are draining each other as individuals, their love produces a functional marriage and happy family. Also many of the summerhouse visitors reap benefits from their love. Woolf emphasizes the need for individuals to not restrict themselves to a single gender identity, but blend both male and female traits into their personalities. Although love cannot exist without some harmful consequences, love is more constructive for the individual this way.
             Mrs. Ramsay's version of love, determined by her gender identity, is giving too much sympathy. Mr. Ramsay is worn by her love because by giving him comfort, she weakens his self-esteem or self-assurance. He relies on her for reassurance. As Bankes points out, "It was astonishing that a man of his intellect . . . could depend so much as he did upon people's praise" (22-23). During the "Last Supper," somebody poses a question, inquiring about the Waverley novels' staying power (lasting ability). Because of Mr. Ramsay's ". . . temperament, which must have praise, which must have encouragement, naturally [he] began to be uneasy; to want someone to say, Oh, but your work will last" (107). Even when the topic is not M...