n, "Buck", his older brother. The problem was is that the only reason Beth was able to afford so much affection for Jordan was because he really did not need it. It was safe for her to give it to some one that did not need it, because she felt she was not being manipulated for it. She explains this when she says, "Does he want me to throw my arms around him when he passes a chemistry exam? I can't do it! I can't respond, when someone says, 'Here, I just did this great thing, so love me for it!' I can't" (pg. 238). Conrad did not realize this though, so when ever he accomplished something and looked for feed back hoping to see his-self through her eyes in a better light and didn't get the hoped for response, he instead found aloofness which reaffirmed his imagined rottenness. He came to think that he was so rotten that his mother hated him. He even tells his father so, "All right then she hates me. There's nothing I can do about it," (pg. 114). So in turn he gives up trying to prove himself to her and hates himself as well. He states this to himself after blowing up at his mother. He thinks, "I have slandered her, to her face and behind her back. I have pushed everyone away who tries to help. If I could apologize. If I only could, but they are no longer at home to me and it is not their fault. All my fault. All connections with me result in failure. Loss. Evil." (pg. 116). Conrad even feels that it is the same at school. "Everywhere I look, there is competence and good health. Only I, Conrad Jarett, outcast, quitter, fuck-up, stands outside the circle of safety, separated from everyone by this aching void of loneliness; but no matter, I deserve it. I do not dare speak to anyone, do not dare to look on their eyes. I do not want to contaminate. I do not wish to find further evidence of my lack of worth." (pg. 116). He had so much self hate that...