Reviewing his life while in the early process of dying, Ivan Ilyich attempted to justify his past attitudes and pervasive shallowness. Not a lot of his thoughts, time, and energy had ever gone into introspection, religions, and spiritual life. He had not been particularly compassionate, charitable, altruistic to family and friends. He had never looked too closely at himself. He felt thath is life had been good.
             Now,he had nothing but time to look at himself. Still not admitting to himself that his life was perhaps less than good, Ivan lay on his deathbed struggling with what made him feel so restless, in such great pain, so incomplete, so unfinished. It was as if her were continually fighting another man, a dark, unknowable wrestler who had him pinned and was bearing down on him for the final blow. It was hard work to die, particularly when one had not accepted death nor come to any mental, emotional, and spiritual conclusions.
             Eventually, Ivan Ilyich reckoned with himself finally admitting that his life had not been exemplary, that he had not been particularly good nor particularly bad. Yet he deceived himself that there was still a chance that he might live. He fought self acceptance, reeling away from the concept as if it were his worst, most repulsive thought. To accept himself in all his goodness and badness would be to surrender to death. His great fear of dying and lack of self acceptance made his suffering that much more intolerable. He fought with all his remaining strength and energy not to die. Yet oppression and death progressed.
             In his last few hours, Ivan finally discovered what it was that made his agony so terrible. It was his refusal to accept the inevitable and himself. He realized that it no longer mattered how well or how poorly he had lived his life and that he was dyng. Those were no longer the biggest issues. Self acceptance was his biggest issue. Once self acceptance was accomplished, ...